mercy

Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget none of God's benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good thing,
So that your youth in renewed like the eagle.
......
For God, yes God, knows our frame;
God is mindful that we are but dust

--Psalm 103:2-5, 14

Yesterday at Dr. Iqbal's office Karla & I received better news than we had dared to hope for. Monday's CT-scan, which I had undertaken to see whether the tumors had grown as drastically as suggested by the cancer markers in recent bloodtests, revealed to the contrary that my tumors have shrunk significantly. In addition, the cancer markers in this week's test have dropped to less than a third of what they were two weeks ago.

This by no means indicates a total cure, but it is tremendously good news. Two days ago, I was fully braced for the possibility that our treatment efforts to this point had failed, that we would shift to what could be a much more invasive Plan B, and that I may have to begin thinking in terms of how I plan to spend the final six to eight months of my life. Today, I feel once again as if I have a future. I am reminded that to receive surprisingly good news is no less possible than to receive surprisingly bad news.

My Gemcitabene & Xeloda regimen will continue with little change, except that my Xeloda dosage will be reduced to a fifth of the original. I'll take one a day for five days, then take a two-day break, then one a day for another five days. I should be able to handle that with little or no difficulty.

I've always had a skeptical chip in my brain that prevents me from using words like "miracle" too quickly--a Becker characteristic, I think. But I don't know what else to call this.

xeloda's final revenge

This morning I preached sermon #3 of a 3-part series at Altadena Baptist. It's been a great opportunity, but I have to admit that having completed it I feel much more relaxed than I have in a while.

It's been a rough week. Hand & foot syndrome came back last Saturday, not quite as badly as it did the first week in January, but the worst it's been since then. On top of that, I developed some kind of swellling in my tongue that nearly resulted in my being taken to the hospital Monday evening. We were able to bring it down, first with steroids and benedryl, and finally with an antiobiotic mouthrinse called "Daniel's Solution," which sounds like something concocted in a still off a dirt road in Arkansas, but whose healing effects I swear I could feel within five minutes of my first dose. My throat remains a little sore, but yesterday I was able to enjoy the first meal other than yogurt in nearly a week (homemade boorenkoel, in case you're interested, an irresistible Dutch mash of potatoes and kale served with Polish sausage), so I feel pretty content.

I'm pretty sure that when I see Dr. Iqbal on Friday she'll take me off Xeloda for good. It seems to have been the culprit behind most of my worst experiences over the last three months. By now, the dosage has been reduced to a sub-therapeutic level anyway, so the only point in taking it is to see how much I can pester my bloodstream until it kicks me back. The idea of switching is both relieving and frightening, though. I've heard from more than one oncologist that Gemcetabine plus Xeloda is the treatment of choice for advanced bile duct cancer, so I don't know what the next step looks like.

I'll go in for another CT-scan tomorrow. By Friday I should know more.

kelly & jenn

Aiee!! Another breathlessly hurried week--company both weekends, oral midterms at Claremont, preaching this Sunday, obliged to have all materials for the revision of Fuller's online ethics course submitted by next Friday. I keep promising that the next week things will slow down and I'll get back into the regular habit of blogging, but each week I discover that I've underestimated the work I have to do. Next week, however, I promise that things will slow down and I'll get back into the regular habit of blogging....

But hey, right now I'm up at an unexpected hour, and I want to take advantage of this to say a word of thanks to Kelly and Jennifer, from the youth group I shepherded in Carnation some twelve years ago, who came down last week to spend a few days with Karla and me. One of the great and unexpected longterm joys of youth ministry has been the cultivation of friendships with teenagers who move on to become adults who no longer simply look to me as pastor and teacher, but enter into that relationship mutually, such that they, in many ways, become my pastors and teachers. From Wenatchee, Corey, Jim, Rita, Heather, Dan and Holly; from Carnation, Kelly, Jenn, Kenny, Jared, Sarah, Amariah, Ryan, Steffan, Julie, Megan, Karly (and of course I at least have to mention Jackie here)--to greater or lesser degrees, people who have maintained contact, dropped in unforeseen with words of encouragement, or crossed paths with mine at important moments. People through whom God blesses and strengthens me in ways that may well go beyond whatever contributions I made to their lives in the first place.

Jennifer is now married and has a daughter who has brought to the surface her deep capacity to nurture and to bear in herself the needs and concerns. Kelly, who is single, has developed a quiet reflectiveness that often goes undetected under the daily demands of her job, but that slowly comes out when tapped. They came over the weekend not to be entertained, but only to be present in whatever way could be helpful to Karla and me. To see the two of you was a gift.