general update
I can run on depleted energy or I can maintain the workload that I managed to juggle a year ago, but if I try to do both it crushes my spirit as well as my body. In recent weeks, completely contrary to the resolve I brought home from the hospital, I have become increasingly self-absorbed and superficial in my relationships as I have fought to come through with responsibilities at Fuller and Claremont. I've avoided long conversations with friends and family members, and have shared little that would invite others to reciprocate with warmth and openness. No, I haven't turned into a shell or a phony, but I have felt myself turning in upon myself, and that is the very thing I cannot do if I am to live with cancer spiritually and emotionally intact. Se incurvatus in se.
The weekend was good for me in this sense. I had promised Karla that I would do no grading on Saturday so that we could have the entire day together, and I decided to keep my computer off until evening on Sunday. Of course, that doesn't decrease my workload for this week--I still have to turn in the grades for Claremont. But it does help to clear away the stench of slavery that hangs in the air when one struggles under overdue assignment after overdue assignment week after week. Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy. This is not simply a religious observance. It's part of the rhythm that keeps us human.
Speaking of the weekend, Karla and I thoroughly enjoyed our dinner cruise off Santa Barbara on Saturday. Of course, anyone who has ever been on a boat with me could have reminded me why a dinner cruise might not have been our best option, but for some reason the taste of supper going two directions within a short space of time did not keep us from having a good time together. An inexpensive chewable before the trip helped me to postpone the inevitable a little longer than I would have otherwise, so we were nearly an hour and a half into the cruise before I felt that grumbling in my gut, which, like a gun brandished in a play, had to go off sooner or later. (Karla, incidentally, has more or less conquered motion sickness altogether, a feat that she attributes mostly to her daily commute on the light rail.)
We decided this morning to postpone chemotherapy until next Monday. It was a smart move. The fatigue and congestion I described over a week ago had grown steadily worse until about Wednesday, and by last night, although it had receded, I still was not over it. The whole point of my two weeks on/one week off routine is to give me enough time to regain strength so that the next round doesn't just kick me while I'm down. That's pretty much what would have happened had we gone ahead with treatments yesterday. Tonight, after stepping out of the shower, it suddenly occurred to me that I finally felt like myself again for the first time in a couple of weeks. I'm not dreading next Monday the way I dreaded going in today.
The weekend was good for me in this sense. I had promised Karla that I would do no grading on Saturday so that we could have the entire day together, and I decided to keep my computer off until evening on Sunday. Of course, that doesn't decrease my workload for this week--I still have to turn in the grades for Claremont. But it does help to clear away the stench of slavery that hangs in the air when one struggles under overdue assignment after overdue assignment week after week. Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy. This is not simply a religious observance. It's part of the rhythm that keeps us human.
Speaking of the weekend, Karla and I thoroughly enjoyed our dinner cruise off Santa Barbara on Saturday. Of course, anyone who has ever been on a boat with me could have reminded me why a dinner cruise might not have been our best option, but for some reason the taste of supper going two directions within a short space of time did not keep us from having a good time together. An inexpensive chewable before the trip helped me to postpone the inevitable a little longer than I would have otherwise, so we were nearly an hour and a half into the cruise before I felt that grumbling in my gut, which, like a gun brandished in a play, had to go off sooner or later. (Karla, incidentally, has more or less conquered motion sickness altogether, a feat that she attributes mostly to her daily commute on the light rail.)
We decided this morning to postpone chemotherapy until next Monday. It was a smart move. The fatigue and congestion I described over a week ago had grown steadily worse until about Wednesday, and by last night, although it had receded, I still was not over it. The whole point of my two weeks on/one week off routine is to give me enough time to regain strength so that the next round doesn't just kick me while I'm down. That's pretty much what would have happened had we gone ahead with treatments yesterday. Tonight, after stepping out of the shower, it suddenly occurred to me that I finally felt like myself again for the first time in a couple of weeks. I'm not dreading next Monday the way I dreaded going in today.
posted by scott becker @ 8:37 PM
8 Comments:
Hey, my precious boy. (Mothers just never let you grow up, do they?)
Regarding your first paragraph: You have run such a good race. You have had the challenges and the joys resulting from that. I certainly think it is time now, not necessarily to turn inward, but certainly, to put your own personal needs first, at least until the energy lost to pneumonia is recovered. And if you should choose to roll into a ball and just nurture yourself, there is no way that you could ever be phony. You would just be taking care of yourself until you had energy enough to share again. You indicated early on that you needed us to just be honest with you, and this is the time that you must be honest with us, your family and friends. Your first responsibility is to yourself and to Karla. So do not allow us to deplete any of your energy that needs to go toward healing or maintaining.
I am so glad that you and Karla enjoyed your anniversary celebration, in spite of a queasy stomach. Thanks so much for including the picture. You both look so good.
Oh, who is your new oncologist? I am pleased that there is still consideration of how you are feeling in the moment before rushing head-long into making you feel worse.
Don and I will be on the road on Friday, and expect to be in Alabama sometime Tuesday or Wednesday. That will depend on the weather, and on how often we stop to see National Parks, etc.
My cell will be on, so keep me informed. You stay well while I am gone. ("Stay well" means don't get any worse, and it's ok to get better.)
We will be by to see you around June 6 or 7.
You don't look very seasick in the picture. :-) Hey, what was the name of the company that ran your dinner cruise? Could you send me a link? (Looking for a fun birthday present for Shanti... oops, hope she isn't reading this...)
Scott.
Does the beach of Santa Barbara still have pieces of tar hidden under it's sand? I learned this sticky reality the hard way with my white canvas shoes, and, I hardly ever WORE white canvas shoes before then, also. Actually, that cured me of wearing white canvas shoes from then on. Sure is a pretty place, though, that Santa Barbara beach. The tar will probably keep it that way.
YOur friend,
Bruce R
hey scott,
reading about your episode on the boat brought back memories of the boat trip at Lincoln City with the big group. there you were trying to be considerate of shawn, karla and i. being in the back of the boat all dealing with sea sickness. you trying to dry heave quietly, sending shawn, karla, and i into a chain reaction vomit fest. oh those were the days.
stay strong my friend/youth pastor
jim
Hey Scott. All of my adult life you have been one of my heroes. You will still be my hero if you are Se incurvatus in se. For one thing, you recognize it when it happens and for another thing you can pronounce it and you know what it means :) :)
You are a part of me, my precious Brother.
Lynne
Scott.
It would be cool if chemo could cause us to lose our beards, instead of head hair. I guess that's not in God's plans, though, and, inspite of the chemo, one STILL has to shave! Oh well.
That beard of yours makes me hungry for KFC.
Scott, I'm glad to see that you are doing well. After reading your email I have suddenly decided that I'm going to have to take a weekend trip down there, probably in August to visit with you and my friend Lia. I have enough airline miles saved up that it should be no problem to get a ticket sometime here in the next few weeks. I'll let you know when I do it. take care...
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