"Why do you ask My name" (redux)
"Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak."--Genesis 32:24
Had my second treatment this morning and my first serious cry this afternoon. Nothing delicate. It was more like a violent fit of vomitting--everything inside forces itself out in convulsions that you can't control, purges itself until nothing is left. And then, for a moment everything's fine, but only for a moment. An undetected holdout lets go from your gut and it begins all over again.
A Christmas letter from friends overseas triggered it: the two of them in London, in Paris. So many things I hoped we'd do together someday....
It seemed like a simple enough request: Just tell me your name. Tell me what--or who--is happening to me. Give back to me some tiny amount of leverage over this situation that you've forced upon me, some handle on it, some easy-to-repeat life lesson that will make this worthwhile (or at least less absurd), something simple to tell people who don't like being shaken too badly.
But the night visitor would grant no such thing. All that's given you to know is this: that you, Jacob--shoulders cracked against the bedrock, leg pulled out of joint--that you are Isra-El, "Prince of God," for you have wrestled with God and humanity and have prevailed.
Hell of a posture for a prince.
posted by scott becker @ 6:38 PM
2 Comments:
My dear friend: Thank you for sharing your heart, your struggle. Imagine us on the other side of the stream, wishing we could be beside you, straining to understand what you are experiencing, but only catching glimpses of your pain and grief. I wish there wasn't such an aloneness to your path. Love and prayers, Nancy
It is so important to do those things that you can do now. I want you to be able to do everything, to live every dream (exclude the nightmares if possible)while there is time. I also know that from a realistic position, there are certain practical things to be considered. A planned Healthcare treatment, your teaching in January, Karla's job which requires her regular attendance, and of course, your ongoing studies. And, oh yes, the availability of the required funds to do everything you would like. Just continue to enjoy each other where ever you happen to be, because that is availble right here, right now. I will continue to know that if God is present anywhere, God is present everywhere. That includes with you, around you and in you. And where God is, all is well. My preference is that "all is well" applies to your body. But if that is not to be, then let it be in your spirit. I share your struggle, not physically, but certainly emotionally and spiritually. I love you so very much, and I just hate that you must be subjected to this. It is interesting that you mention the request for some life lesson . . .
I have heard from two different sources, one friend and one book, the idea of some relief coming from identifying the lesson that cancer has to teach. So I mention that for you to ponder or to ignore as you choose. I am sure that you have enough on your mind without someone else telling you what to think about. I love you, Mom
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