aufhebung

thoughts personal, public and everything in between

Thursday, December 21, 2006

the other voice

My second cycle began this morning.

It's hard to say why the actual experience of going in for the treatment is so difficult. My nurse, Rachelle, was cheerful and easy to talk to. She went out of her way to make me comfortable, seating me in a reclining chair, wrapping me in warm blankets. I had packed several snacks, brought a book, I had a television available. The treatment itself was relatively painless. But there's something about sitting in the chair for two hours, receiving the injection, seeing other patients in their chairs receiving their injections. It's too much time to think.

For a few hours after coming home, I had this strange feeling of being divided against myself, going about tasks around the condo, looking and moving as I normally would, and feeling as if something inside me was screaming to be heard. I guess that's exactly it. Being in the chair for two hours calls forth someone inside me that I haven't listened to much over the last month, the person who badly, badly does not want to die. Along with the side of me who really is at peace and finding unexpected joy in the midst of this situation is another side wounded by the knowledge that there is no someday after I'm all done with treatments, no more hikes up Nevada Falls, no more bike rides up Whidbey Island, no more European vacations with Karla.

I can't allow this to be the voice that determines how I live out the time God gives me, but if I ignore it, it might at some point explode with a force that tears me apart. I have to listen to it, to hurt with it. Perhaps there's a way to make peace between the two sides; I can't really say that I've done so yet.

The student is no greater than his Teacher. Right up to the moment of his arrest, Jesus had not made peace between his obedience to the path ahead of him and his resistance to it. To some extent, he resolved the tension with the words, "Not my will, but yours," but even on the cross he expresses his sense of abandonment. It may not have been until he died saying "Into your hands I commend my spirit" that the struggle finally subsided. To imagine that I would come to some point of enduring peace that would carry me through to the end may itself be the kind of evasion that would eat away at my soul in a way that honest grief would not.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scott.

Hello from an art class in Rio Linda High. I've sent an email to my friend two nights ago to tell him about you and my mom, and to learn more about the chemo that he claimed cured his liver. I haven't heard from him yet, but, I'm keeping the good thought. Again, you are in our prayers. By the way, what you quoted DOES strike a cord here. I mean, here Jesus was, who talked with God, KNEW of God personally, was a PART of God at that time?, but, was also uncomfortable with the idea about "the cup" of the cross he was going to die on, and, even later cried OUT on the cross, "My God, My God! Why have you forsaken me!" Just goes to show you that, when it comes to suffering, you are in good company. If you have dark moods, just remember, it looks like Jesus had them to.

Love,
your friend,
Bruce Ramsey

22/12/06 10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Scott and Karla,
Hope you are all having a good time together my grandmother was looking forward to seeing all of you. Jaymes is home from school and we all keep getting sick. We have been to the doctor twice in 11 days.
Last night Emily had a fever of 102.7 poor child says she can't even sit up. Jaymes still remembers you and our trip to New York. By the way thanks again for hanging with Tracy and I in the city. It really meant alot to me since I was going through a really hard time.
I did some research about why Jesus had said " My God, My God,why have you forsaken me?" This scripture is confusing and I was curious to understand it. Through- out Jesus' life Gods holy spirit was with him protecting him from death because people were always seeking to kill him and it was not his appointed time to die. Jesus new that he had to die as a perfect man to gain back our everlasting life since Adam a perfect man lost it(Romans 5:12). Jesus also had prepared his apostles about having to face a brutal death and Peter rebuked Jesus saying "Be kind to yourself,Lord; you willnot have this destiny at all" then Jesus turned his back to Peter and said "Get behind me,Satan!You are a stumbling block to me."(Matthew 16:21-23.)The place of Jesus' birth and how he was going to die had been fortold throughout the bible, even that one of his aposltles would betray him. When he was about to die he could feel Gods holy spirit or that protection leaving him and for the first time in his life the holy spirit was not in him.
Jesus knew that he would have to face his death alone without protection. Thank you so much for opening up your thoughts and your heart for all of us. I will keep in touch.
Love,
Amy

26/12/06 12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Scott and Karla,
Yesterday after reading the blog the words dying to live played in my head the rest of the day and all last night. I have heard people say that they are not afraid to die and then when faced with it they say they are not ready to die and become very afraid. I also know people who avoid even talking about it because they fear it all the time. No matter what you beleive in or how much faith you have,it is always a touchy subject. It is an enemy that we all must face eventually. In a way we are all dying to live and making the best with what we have. Kevin and I wish that we could take away the pain that you and your family are facing. We are deeply touched and hurt because we care about you even though there are many miles between us or have only met a few times that deep love is still there.
much love,
Kevin and Amy

27/12/06 7:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Scott,
I just wanted to wish you a (post) Merry Christmas and a great 2007. That may seem odd to wish on you. But somehow, I know that God is going to do something awesome in your walk with Him this year. I know that many people are reading these posts and are being encouraged, like me. Yes, it's sad to dwell on death, but for the most part that's not the focus. It's on this life and the life to come. I do hope to get to see you sometime in the near future. Karla and you will grow together even more in your walks with Jesus. We just shared a devotional with our girls about Barnabas and the meaning of his name. Thank you for being a "Barnabas" in my life from my past, in the present, and in the future. Love you, Scott & Karla!!

Ted H (evidently you have more than one Ted in your life!!!)

1/1/07 8:30 PM  

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