aufhebung

thoughts personal, public and everything in between

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

dying to live

“We fret at the inevitable realization that our existence is limited….We look frantically around for assurances on this side of the moment when they will all be stripped away, anxiously busying ourselves to snatch at life before we die….All evil begins with the fact that we will not thankfully accept the limitation of our existence where we should hope in the light of it, and be certain, joyously certain, of the fulfillment of our life in the expectation of its end”—Karl Barth

“Whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?”—Mark 8:35-36

At 45 I’ve already outlived Jesus by a good twelve years, so all in all I’ve done pretty well.

I say this with my tongue only halfway in my cheek, for over the last few weeks I’ve been given numerous hints that faith in Christ ought to be my ticket out from under death’s shadow, rather than the light that guides me through it. I’ve received more than one set of instructions on meditation techniques for forcing cancer cells out of my body. And sitting on my desk until recently was a three-page list of Bible verses promising that God would keep me from dying. I take this to mean either that the nine billion or so people who have lived and died up to this point just didn’t get it, or that they had passed some arbitrary number of years after which these verses no longer apply.

But these biblical promises of victory over death draw their meaning from someone who was willingly crucified at an age when most of us are still wondering what we want to be when we grow up. In Christ we see that overcoming death consists not in postponing it as long as possible, but in staring straight at it and denying its power to destroy our souls.

I need to word this carefully, because I am certainly not suggesting that there is any moral or spiritual value in rushing into death. To be alive is such a gift, and to prolong and make the most of one’s lifespan merits every responsible action. But I’m convinced that the real beauty of an individual life derives from its being interwoven into a larger narrative, a narrative that belongs to God and ends in the redemption and reconciliation of the world. To know oneself as a part of that story is to recognize the splendor of one’s temporal limitations, for it is our mortality that teaches us to relinquish the rights to our own private histories and to see the larger story for which God has claimed us. Longevity, prosperity and freedom from pain are certainly goods worth pursuing, but when we elevate them to the status of ultimate goods they distort our vision of what is truly good and rob us of our humanity.

In her book Healing a Broken World (a wonderful book, by the way, which I’m assigning to students in my upcoming ethics course), Cynthia Moe-Lobeda calls attention to a shift in Western anthropology that has made it more difficult for us to recognize ourselves as part of God’s larger story. The classical Christian view of the human individual was as “man-in-communion.” To be human meant to be in fellowship with other humans, with the rest of creation, and with the Creator. To the extent that we removed ourselves from this larger community, we alienated ourselves from our own true personhood. However, new anthropologies, arising from the Enlightenment, focused more on the autonomous individual than the communities to which he or she belonged. “Man-in-communion” came to be replaced by homo economicus, the individual who acts rationally to maximize self-interest. Individual self-fulfillment and the augmentation of one’s own happiness came to be seen as the purpose of human existence.

But this has proven to be a violent and despairing view of human nature—violent because it pits us against each other, each in defense of his or her own interests; despairing because there is no reason to hope for anything larger than self-interest. To understand our lives in terms of personal self-fulfillment gives death tremendous power over us, for we have so much to lose and nothing beyond our own lives to rejoice in. So we do whatever we must to protect ourselves and our families. We hoard in fear of someday going without. We use violence to eliminate those whom we consider threats. We compete against others to establish our place in the social order. We busy ourselves in activities centered on self-interest and self-aggrandizement with little thought for whether our activities serve either to bless or to curse other members of the community of creation, whether we have been tools for good or evil, whether we have created greater peace or hostility, justice or injustice.

So Jesus presents us with a decision, either to hold onto one’s life as one’s own private possession or to release it into the service to the Reign of God for which it was created in the first place. Whichever we choose, we are bound to come across an immeasurable variety of joys and regrets during our time on earth. But there really will come a moment when we realize that to the extent that we have privatized ourselves—cherished, protected, nurtured and indulged our personal existence as an end in itself—we have eliminated ourselves from the community of the living; and that to the extent that we have released ourselves, our brief lives have been folded into the living movement of God’s Spirit, who continues to heal and to bless and to redeem from one generation to the next.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Scott.

You are speaking to the chorus here on THIS one. I don't think I could have said it better, even though this sort of thing has rolled around in my head for quite some time. Ever get the feeling that because God bestowed you with such great insight (and He did), He ordained that you go through this to help others who would follow when going through something of related, dire, magnitude? Whether you like it or not, you ARE a pioneer in this. THIS time, though, you have an audience of spectators to hope and observe--to PRAY, (for which I am one), to cheer you on in what seems to me, a very PERSONAL epic battle against the Reaper. Your third battle against these monsters reminds me of the old Saxon novel, Beowolf. Beowolf battles three monsters. Two in his youth, a third in his latter years. Was he successful on the third? The third was the scariest and most destructive...a fire breathing dragon. But, as I was saying, you ARE a pioneer here. And, I find it of no coincidence that, in the scheme of things, that ON the day you email me of this great trial of mind, body, and spirit, I discover, to MY shock and horror, (that very evening), that... my MOM, the number one humanbeing on this planet that means the MOST to me, after God, just gets a call from her doctor that SHE has a "worrisome spot on the liver". I mean, WHAT are the odds that TWO people in my life, you, and, my MOM, would give me news in ONE day about such a situation with their livers? Scott, you and I believe that our lives are being shaped by a God who created this vast universe, with all it's perfect balance of dark matter to keep galaxies from colapsing in on themselves or, from flying apart. A God who'd have the moon stationed in such away where it's orbit matches it's rotation so we only see one side of it. Being so the case, I'm not going to worry about you OR my mom. Of course, it won't stop me from PRAYing for you two...a LOT. And, again, you COULD say that I'm reading into things, but, what if I'm not? Believe it or not, Scott, but, back to there not being any mistakes. Nearly four years ago, I was going through the DARKEST period of my life as of yet, (maybe I'll explain it some day), and, I met a HAPPY poor man on the commuter train. I THOUGHT the guy was just some old bum preaching to OTHER bums about Jesus Christ. Being so low, the cheerfulness of this old, black, nearly home-less Vietnam Vet caught my attention. We ended up talking about religion (a subject I have a tendency to get onto), and, the joy of HIS belief kind of lifted the darkness around me. I take that back. He DID lift the darkness. I called him an angel...well, a HUMAN angel. I, of course, bought him some dinner, learned more about him, and, found out that he was fighting liver cancer. This perked up my ears because I've had the threat of liver cancer hanging over MY head since I "shared bodilly fluids" with a contaminated plasma machine back in 1996. Ah, truly, where else could I have contracted Hepatitis B when living a clean life? So far, NO problems with the liver, and, no more nightsweats in years. But, Scott, and THIS is the thing that got me excited... although the guy is dirt poor, he IS a veteran and, from what I can tell, was/is getting experimental chemo, that, believe it or not, seems to have cured him of his liver cancer, he claims. And I DON'T think he's one to lie. He teaches to a men's group at a church in the Gold Run area near Folsom, CA. SINCE you have mentioned cancer of the bile duct, and beCAUSE my mom has received related news about HER liver... again, ALL coming at me in ONE day!...hey, I'm going to GET IN CONTACT WITH THIS STILL RELATIVELY NEW FRiEND OF MINE AND LEARN A LOT MORE ABOUT THIS CHEMO HE WAS/IS TAKING!!! In the meantime, I have an acquaintance of mine battling liver cancer, but, he's fighting it by making his body "less PH" through the consumption a lot of calcium. He said he SHOULD be eating greens, but, is a "meat an taters" guy, so he takes the pills. I tried to get a hold of him to tell him of my friend I met on the train, but, he left to another church and I haven't seen him in over a year. All I can say is, in the three years I knew HIM, he never changed, and seemed to be of robust health despite the tumors in his liver.
Well, Scott, either way here, I see hope for you and my mom here. I see a light at the end of the crumbling, suffocating, mine shaft tunnel. Again, NO accidents, I say. I'm going to get in contact with my old friend Solomon (that's his name) and see how he's doing. IF he is still out of the woods, due to the experimental chemo HE claimed to be taking, the name of it will be posted BOLDLY!!! Not only in your blog, but, will be emailed and phone to my mom...OF COURSE!!!!

Love,
your old fello drama student, and friend,
Bruce Ramsey

20/12/06 9:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, these words are a blessing and now I have another prayer to add to my list:
that I could be released from my agendas, pulled into God's agenda, and let death have as little power over my daily choices as possible.....Really, that is the growing desire I have each time I check into your blog.
All I can give you in return is another prayer up for your health, and for peace and comfort to you and Karla. And a note of
thanks, Scott...
Barb L

20/12/06 10:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Scott for the Mexican food on your balcony and for calling Christina to make yourself available. I read your blog. Today my eyes tear up as I read. I share your site with my office so they can read from a pt point of view. There is so much joy and so much pain. Carol Korpi

21/12/06 11:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Scott.

It's been a few days now since I've emailed my wishes to my friend who claimed the experimental chemo beat his cancer. Guess what? I haven't heard a THING from him. They say false hope is worse than no hope at all. In trying to get a hold of my friend to learn more about his "beating liver cancer", looks like I lose him as friend? If so, then I guess he never WAS my friend. I don't consider liars as friends. Well, I should have learned more about him before filling you and my mom with FALSE hope. Forgive me. I am truly sorry. I mean, seems I should have heard from him by now IF what he claimed was true.

Your friend,
Bruce Ramsey
PS. Have you heard from Rick and Norm?

23/12/06 12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One sure really learns who his/her friends are when going through hell, no?

23/12/06 12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Scott.

Well, my "friend" NEVER got back to me ever since I tried to get a hold of him on the chemo he said he was supposedly taking that cured him of HIS liver cancer. I guess, in times of crisis, you really get to know who you're friends are. Well, looking back on it, he probably never WAS my friend, or, maybe he REALLY wanted to be my "friend"? One of the last times I talked with him, he wanted me to go to San Fran with him to attend a time share thing. I think he wanted the time share people to think I was his "friend", if you know what I mean. Well, Christian or not, he sounded "flaming" (if you know what I mean). I guess he was. Well, he TALKED like an "on fire" Christian also. I guess he was "on fire" in more ways than one? Oh well. Anyway, Scott, I forgive the guy. He's probably feeling super embarrassed that I caught him in a lie and now he's afraid to confront me. If he called me, I'd forgive him, but, the trust would be greatly hurt. Well, Scott, people will disappoint, and, God may seem very distant. But, we have our hope and prayers, and, I have my prayers for you and yours.

Love,
Your friend,
Bruce Ramsey

9/9/07 3:08 PM  

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